Despite her beloved skinny jeans being deemed “out”, not all is lost.
When I clicked on an article about the changing shape of jeans, I did so with a heap of healthy fear. Levi’s had announced that skinny jeans were “out” for the first time in at least a decade.
My heart sank to the very bottom of my “rolled up at the ankle” Levi’s 710 sky-high super skinny jeans. Skinny jeans have been my thing. I am the unofficial ambassador of skinny jeans. Being cursed with long, skinny, muscular legs, no arse to speak of and a shapeless block of lumpy lard upper body, I’ve pulled on skinny jeans daily come summer, winter, spring and autumn, happily knowing I’ll look pretty damn good. It’s the end of the world as I know it.
Fashion broke up with baggies, flares and “mom jeans” every year or two, but no one really took it seriously. Yes, I went into Glassons and bought a pair of flared ponte pants a couple of years back. Paid $29.95 and figured it was worth a go. Not sure where they are, possibly buried under an unfortunate crop top choice.
I even wore flared jeans for a couple of months in 2004. But I never thought I’d see the day that Bill and Melinda Gates would separate [what a fiscal nightmare] and that Levi’s could be scaling back production of skinny jeans for the time being, because “baggy” was back.
Oh Lord, what to do? The last time I wore baggy jeans was never. During the last baggy dynasty, the ’90s, I was either pregnant, just been pregnant, or naturally chunky. I believe the entire decade had me in stretchy pants or muumuus. And the problem is, I’m a follower of fashion, meaning now I know skinny jeans are on the out, I can’t un-know it.
Recently, on a photo shoot for this wonderful publication, I noticed the make-up artist was wearing some pretty extraordinary baggy jeans. Not too wide-legged that she looked like a first year Massey University student on the way to Noodle Canteen. Stylishly baggy and yet “flattering”. I kept my eye on her all day. She was cool. Possibly in her early forties and probably about a size 12 or 14. I entertained the idea of myself wearing the same “strides” – Dad always called pants “strides” and I’m keen on bringing it back. I conjured up a picture of myself dressed in her pants. Slightly creepy. The vision was not pretty. Still I ventured out with a casual, “Where’d ya get your strides?”
She enthusiastically told me, and added that she loved the retro elasticised band in the back. I was still concerned I’d look like a block of cheese in them. Flying back home, I decided to get brave. I’d go in to town the next day and torture myself trying to find a pair of baggies that might imitate “flattering”. I slunk in to various fitting rooms loaded down with jeans. Baggy jeans are seriously heavy – most probably because there’s a few more metres of denim involved. I tried on the first pair. Yikes. Way too tight in the waist and far too much fabric in the butt and leg.
However after three shops and 20 pairs, this Cinderella found a pair that looked, well, good. I resisted buying a pair in every colour in case I was hallucinating in cubicle three, but I’ve now worn them three days in a row and they look great.
I actually look better, feel way more comfortable, and the absolute bonus – please forgive the blatant familiarity – my vagina feels free! I feel air swirling about. Who knew I could embrace this new old trend and be kind to my labia? I’m in. Now to buy them in black.